For a while now, I’ve asked myself “what do I want to do today?”, which has been useful in that it results in more productive days and the fulfillment of short-term desires. However, as I mentioned in the last post, I still feel a disconnect between my short-term and long-term desires.

For long-term desires, I pester myself with the question “what do I want to do with my life?”, but I find that this question is too open-ended. More importantly, answering this question does not answer the first question: it does not help you bridge the divide between the now and the then. For some people, the latter question is sufficient: they can choose a target (e.g. cushy middle management position) and they can bend themselves to meet it. However, I want my present desires and feelings to guide the process of meeting a target: my present condition should inform my future condition.

Also, I have a burning desire to contribute to the world, to be productive. My guess is that, by producing things valued by others, I myself will feel valued by others, giving me the sense of community and belonging that I’ve been missing my whole life. But that’s just a footnote….

So, I think that my line of inquiry should be modified from “what do I want to do” to “what do I want to do with what I have”. This addendum will force me to continually assess my current state and then use that information to guide future actions. The question “what do I want to do” is useful for acting upon your desires, but the best answer to that question could be “I want to watch a movie.” Unforunately, that does not help to resolve the divide between my present and my future. And such answers do not fully utilize you: “what do I want to do with what I have” forces you to think about how you want to use yourself, and, ultimately, how you want to give meaning to your life.

The ultimate goal - whatever it is - is a necessary prerequisite, but the destination itself does not tell you about the journey. And the destinations and goals we choose are far from where we are now. So the challenge is in moving towards the goal while simultaneously being aware of your present condition. If the future alone informs your decisions, then you risk losing yourself in the process, simply conforming to fit to your idealizations. If the present alone informs your decisions, then you risk running in place, moving nowhere while chasing after transient desires.

I think I have mastered the “what do I want to do today” part. Now I have to think about “what I have,” and that makes me feel like I’m peeking over the edge of a dark chasm: a daunting question with humbling answers.